Life could be better - “Ian”

It has been a long time since me and my mom sat down and chatted about something serious. Many thought that heartwarming words will start spouting out from each of our mouths, yet in the end I came out with this: “Mom, I wished that you never gave birth to me.”

A physically and mentally strong woman, Ian plays an important role of not only a mother, but also a decision maker in the house. Rearing a child is never an easy job, not to mention the “havoc” a child might create for their parents. For Ian, things were never easy from the beginning, not from the the hardships of seeing the growth of her children, but from the stress of coping in her family.

Leaving far from home in Taiping, she stayed in Penang along with her husband’s family. Although things can get out of hand at times, she never said a single word or complained a lot in front of her loved ones. With more stress from her mother-in-law and opinionated siblings, she holds herself in even more, which only made those who love her even more worried. She did a lot of housework, yet it is still not enough in her mother-in-law’s eyes. She gave a lot of opinions, yet they are all being pushed back by arrogant siblings.

A woman with lots of life experience, she gives advice to two of her children whenever they need it. However, whenever she needs help, only those who understand her will sense it, and the numbers are incredibly less. Even when others are willing to give aid, she will humbly reject it and carry all burden...on her own.

Another job of hers as a kindergarten teacher, means she sacrifices all her effort to do her best in educating the future generations. Yet, teaching immature kids is another challenge that she faces. Withholding all the pressure from the “bosses” in the working group and family, she plucks up courage and chooses to continue teaching for survival and better living.

All of these were never her goals in life. She wanted to have someone who will be decisive enough and who cared enough for her. She wanted to have her own space that no worries can be affecting her. She wanted to be free from all those judgments made on her. She just wanted to be herself.

As she continued on and on, I saw her eyes swelling with a bit of tears, but she took them in instead. That night was never forgettable, as we kept talking about how things could turn out if accidents did not happen. I, the first and only son, am the only factor for my mother to not give up and keep on struggling, and also an “accident” caused by both Ian and her husband.

She could have been a singer, but because of me, she has to give up on it. She could have travelled all over the world, but because of me, she has to remain here in a so-called “home”.

“Son, I know you might feel worried with a bit of burden, but always remember one thing, that your mom will not ever give up on you. So don’t worry much about yourself, you have people who love you. I’m always here,” Ian said with a concerned look.

“Sorry Mom, but still, I wished I was never here, then you could have a better life,” my words brought up with tears dwelling in the eyes, and yet I hold it in again, cause the last thing I want her to see...is her dear son being weak and powerless.